The theme of “I should”, “I must”, “I have to” is, in my opinion, from the DEFINING of a person's life. Along with guilt, fear and trust (and the main question, “how to get love?”).
Where did this “should” and “ought” that we are surrounded by on all sides today even come from?
I SHOULD...
And who really needs to?
And what does it have to do with me?
And what if I don't want to?
Before we are even done with diapers, at first unwillingly, we are already in the “little things you want” game.
We are told that everyone is doing what they should - therefore you should too. So “should” is about responsibility? But no, I'm going to disappoint you here. The more a person does on the imposed sense of duty, the less real responsibility there is in him. The most irresponsible grow out of the most obedient.
What is responsibility? It is the ability to take responsibility, to accept the consequences of one's actions, words, decisions (as well as inaction, silence or lack of decisions). In general, it is a quality of a very developed personality.
But we have it distorted beyond recognition.
For example, we often take on more responsibility than we can carry. Long and well we can carry only what we can.
Often we try to take on someone else's responsibility, out of a desire to help, but in fact just degrading the person next to us. Or we try to control them by not letting them go their own way.
Usually we don't realize the MEASURE of our own real influence on the situation at all. Then we think that we can do everything (just badly tried). This is a direct path to neurosis and such a form of Lord God syndrome. There is always a reasonable balance between my steps and the million other factors that influence.
Where does the “I SHOULD” come from, for example? I'll say a strange thing, but this is always a sign of running out of “want”. When I want something, it doesn't occur to me to force myself and rely on willpower. Which means something went wrong.....
In Russian, the word “debt” has a very negative connotation. “You owe me”, “I owe you”, “it's my duty” - does not carry anything light in itself now. And this is not by chance.
Let's remember an important point: any WANT is always “paid for” by energy (i.e. if I really want, I always have the energy to do it).
“Should” works only on willpower - this is the only source we can use here. But willpower is an unreliable thing, its resource is very finite and exhausts us in principle. We need this reserve of mental and physical strength for completely different situations (CRISIS, wars, accidents, severe illnesses, losses, etc.). But having exhausted our willpower simply on what we didn't want to do, at the most responsible moment we simply mentally burn out and give up.
Let's think about it, how does the RESPONSIBILITY MECHANISM even work?
More than anything, it's like a game of “Hot Potato” that everyone is tossing to each other. It is definitely known that the potato (responsibility) cannot be dropped - someone has to pick it up. This often fails us - when no one is around to pick it up, we grab what falls automatically. If not me, then WHO?
There's a lot of nuance in how real responsibility works instead of should and must, e.g,
in a couple,
between parents and children,
grown children and elderly parents,
among equals, etc.
There is also the specific influence of your psychotype on how adequately you evaluate a topic, how much responsibility you can handle,how much life under the sign of “must” breaks or develops you.
By the way, the consequences of such a life quite quickly spoil not only our mood, but also ruin our health:
stiff muscles,
neck problems,
general stiffness,
stiffness - and eventually brittleness, inability to be flexible (injuries of all kinds).
And yet - why do we cling so much to this attempt to FORCE (ourselves or another)? There is a very common illusion: if I don't force and push my child into debt - won't he grow up to be a dummy? The husband will do nothing? Employees at work will go completely out of whack.
Why the illusion? Because if you have not yet beaten away from a person all his desires and needs, he wants to create, to act, to develop, to help. If you will be in contact with this part of a person (including yourself), you will be able to achieve much more than the stick of duty.
Let's summarize.
When do we speak from the position of “I SHOULD”, “THEY SHOULD”? Why do we demand, control, force (ourselves or others)? Most often, it means that we have been living absolutely NOT YOUR LIFE for a long time and we start to take revenge for it gradually on everyone around us, especially our loved ones.
Controlling, demanding, criticizing ourselves and others - always hiding behind a very heavy sense of guilt, non-acceptance of ourselves and unloving.
HOW TO DEAL WITH RESPONSIBILITY AND DEBT?
1. To scour your life on the subject: what have I already grabbed, for what? Can I not take it on myself?
2. Who am I driving into debt? Why am I doing this? Do I know how to build relationships on a different basis?
3. Do I know how to accept my own and others' “don't want”. How do I act when I don't want something, my first reaction to that situation? This is what shapes my life.
4. Do I know how to “suspend” a situation without a solution, letting it unfold as it needs to, without trying to intervene out of a sense of false responsibility?
5. And most importantly, do I trust God? Do I feel led and protected as I go through life?
The only lifelong responsibility any person has is responsibility FOR HIM-, HERSELF. That is, the way you live your life right now is ONLY your responsibility.
More about the training you find here https://kassich.ru/socionics_session_eng
